Traumatised is how I feel at times and so will you be if you get to the bottom of this blog as it is going to be two week's worth. I set off on my cruise last week for Norway not really knowing what to expect but I was looking forward to getting away. On the book publishing front things were coming together after three edits to get the Americanisms out that had been put in on the first edit. Also, I was on the phone at 2am on the morning of my trip to sort out a few final adjustments. Will it all be worth it? Sometimes I wonder. It is just one more thing to make my hair turn greyer- or is that grayer?
So, after a lack of shut-eye because I tossed and turned while my head spun with worries all night long, I got to the BIG boat "parked" at Southampton but my first impressions were not good. It was a cross between Witherspoons and Butlins on board - I don't really know either establishment too well but this is what I imagine them to be like. The staff working for the cruise line came from all over the world but they had one common denominator. They were all "Manuels" They knew nothing if you asked a question. My lack of sleep added to my initial irritability. However, the coffee was exceptionally good so things started to look up pretty early on.
Lester from St. Lucia automatically knew exactly how I liked my coffee. The place where he worked was closest to my cabin so it was naturally where I gravitated to. He seemed to be on duty and serving at the drinks counter almost all the time. That was amazing customer service. He knew my order and there were thousands on board. Wow.... the super hero of my voyage. To be honest all the crew were friendly, they were just not too au fait with the anything beyond their remit. I bumped into a cruising barrister - I just wondered if he was a coffee expert!
I met up with "singles" on board. These were a collection of the widowed, divorced and recently dumped. They made my trip! I could have been alone amidst the horde if it were not for our evening pre-drink chats. We collectively agreed the food was under par - odd in some circumstances. I could have taught them how to make hummus as theirs was just mashed chickpeas! Very odd. I also had an inedible baked brie, the size of a squash ball, that had the texture of a soggy donut.
The on board entertainment was also a bit suspect. Not sure about the credentials of the choreographer for the dance shows - especially the ABBA one, but as things go, it was entertaining but probably for the wrong reasons. It is easier to talk about the bad bits rather than the things that go well.
As I thought I was going to be on crutches, I prebooked the onshore excursions. The first one was to a reconstructed Viking Village and then on to a copper mine and museum. The Viking experience was super - there we learnt that the women had control of everything inside the fence and the slaves were not really slaves as there were laws that governed their protection. The trip to the museum after the morning's experience was done at whirlwind speed and with far too many participants for comfort. Nobody could look at the exhibits or read anything as the docent kept rushing us to the next bit. She kept saying, "We have a tight skedule." errrrr. Considering how much you pay for the trips, you would have thought time planning would have been better. That trip was to Haugesund.
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| Some super-human sized swords waiting for Arthur |
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| Utstein Monastery- direct translation by me.. out rock |
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| Dive bombing gull |
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| Haugesund |
The next trip I did was in Flaam. The tour guide on our coach had a lovely way with English. She told us the safety rules before we set off and pointed out the red hammers in the bus which could be used to break our glasses. I think they would also have broken our noses had we tried them out. My excursion went up a mountain to a hotel just so we could taste weak coffee and have a Danish. We were there for the spectacular view but the mist enveloped us and this was followed by a brief flurry of snow. An American sitting near me all but blamed the tour company for the lack of view due to the weather. Oh yeah!. The cruise through the little Fjord was lovely and fortunately for the American, nothing was obscured by mist or snow at any point along the way. Gulls circled and dive-bombed us almost down to deck level. One man said he would go to the Casino that evening if he was hit. I am not sure whether he wanted to be hit by the gulls' poo or not. Perhaps luck was on his side!
The final tour in Stavanger took us to the Utstein Monastery. It is the only surviving monastery in Norway as the reformation brought the destruction of all the others. Our tour guide, Juan, was brilliant and made the trip. His attention to detail and knowledge delivered with humour were spot on. I also now know that Stavanger used to be a smelly place because of all the fishing. In the sunshine, it certainly looked like a pretty good place to settle. Of all the places we saw, I think this one was my favourite. I picked up a few local words. They are written in a way that makes it clear what they describe. It is as easy as en, to, tre. On a cruise, you really don't get to feel a place though, as you are always short of time. Maybe for this reason, cruising is not for me.
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| Someone is reading a pretty good book onboard |
Cruising is not for everyone. There had been a murder onboard the very boat I was on not two weeks before my trip. Rumour has it that a stag party went awry and the father of the bride came to a sticky end. For this man, cruising was clearly not for him. I just wonder if the marriage went ahead. Maybe there will be a book about it!
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| Homeward bound |
Now I am home, fully linked to the internet, ready to resume my swim training for the 5k and already in recovery from drinking too many cocktails. This leaves me with just one small question.... after reading all this, are you traumatised?
